It’s biochemical in nature.
She probably did, in some ineffective way, that she was unhappy. But you might have just ignored the signs because otherwise things went just fine, except for occasional arguments in which you felt she was attacking you, so you shut down to avoid further conflict. How did that work as a strategy?
Well you had sex (we assume) if only with your hand and didn’t include her. Not only that, you didn’t tell her, and embarrassed her by having a public profile that demonstrates your lack of sexual interest in her. She probably feels you cut her out of the marriage.
I found out I have cancer—I have not told my family. We can’t afford the treatment anyway. Should I just say nothing and let nature take its course?
Sometimes, you guys are thick-headed and stubborn, and this does not work for you. When, as a last ditch effort to save our marriage, I convinced my husband to attend a therapy session. During the session, he declared he wasn’t going to change, and that was that. I really had no other choice.
I will say this one more time for every man out there that’s not getting it—you can’t keep a woman starving for feelings of love and affection and expect that she’ll want to stay with you.
And here is where things can go awry for both sexes. The key difference for men and women are the neurochemicals that promote your bond with each other. For women, this is oxytocin, the feel-good chemical, promotes the sense that “hey, this person is important to me, and loves me, and makes me feel safe and secure.”
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I’m not saying you are the only person at fault in the relationship, but since your life is about to get ten times harder going through this divorce, and if you don’t want the divorce, then you need to take emergency action. You need to win your wife back. It’s time to man up, take the hit for the team and get you to therapy, not as a solution but as a bridge to regaining her trust in and love for you.
Your problems go back six years when she hasn’t touched you, because this is when the dopamine burned out, and she realize that “hey, this guy, my husband is not giving me what I need. I do not feel safe and secure.” Or, to put it in more male terms, she did not feel you were part of her team.
If you are not willing to do that, then she has every right to leave you.
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Enough said.
This should have been a big screaming red flag for you to reassess what was going on and make a course correction in your relationship. But no, you let the situation go on for six years. In your sexual frustration turned to a porn site aggravating the mess, because you did not address the core problem.
For men, it’s vasopressin, which the male of the species uses to bond with other humans. Men use it all their relationships, and makes them feel that “hey, this person is part of my team.”
What life lesson did you learn the hard way?
However, there comes a point—within six months to a year, the dopamine burns out.
Because women need that oxytocin to feel bonded enough with you to want to touch you. When a woman does not get that oxytocin, she feels like she is starving in the relationship for love and affection.
And you might say, “hey, why didn’t she just tell me?”
Hi everybody! I have been looking at posts on narcs and narc abuse on here and if has really helped me out a lot. I am currently struggling with my situation and need some advice/support.
I met a narc last year, everything seemed to good to be true. Love bombing, always texting calling and taking me on dates. Everything changed when someone warned me about him out in public in front of him and who he is. This caused a conflict with us and the love bombing seized.
he would tell me that everything is okay and i can come and talk. He would set a time limit on me and kick me out after that.
he would then text me like everything was fine and we hung out again and after that he completely ghosted me for one week. He came back and texted me a week later laughing about the ghosting and acting like nothing had happened.
he continued to text me ( not like in the beginning) make plans with me, then on the day of the plans he would just ghost me. One day he would act interested the next silence.
i contacted him a month later and he acted like nothing happened. He was on a vacation and sent me a picture of another woman ( someone he allegedly met on the trip) to strike a reaction but i never gave him one. After the trip he came to my place and was extremely rude, accusing me of going on dates with a bunch of men. The next day he accused me of being an alcoholic and that he wanted nothing to do with me but said well maybe we can be "friends" then ghosted me
i assumed at this point it was over and i would never hear from him again. He contacted me on the holiday a month later acting like everything was great. We ended up hanging out a month or so later and when we hung out it went well, i thought things were going in the right direction.
after we hung out.. silence. I would try to text him and if he replied it would be very short then he just stopped replying. He ghosted me for almost three months. I thought he was done this time and of course he popped up again like nothing happened. At this point i was getting sick of if so i questioned him as to why he dissapeared and always does this. Of course he had some sob story about a injury and family member dying of cancer. I felt pity for him and he gave me an apology.. so i took him back stupidly.
things seemed to be going smooth for a couple months, of course until his family member died and his injury got better he never contacted me and was distant. Menawhile, i was there for him during the difficult time for him. He lied to me about the funeral and never wanted to chat. I was chasing him and he would always claim nothing was wrong but when i said i thought he used me when he was down he could not handle it and would always tell me he didnt care and to go away. I would get so upset i would try texting him to work it out he would barelt respond and if he did he would not be nice about it.
we did hang out a couple times after that, he would ignore me after. One day i was like hey i think you are seeing someone else, and i was like well ixam seeing someone so no problem if you are he said " buy bye good luck with your new guy stop contacting me" i was devastated and tried to get into contact with him for weeks then i just gave up and accepted it was over. He ended up contacting me a month later acting like everything was fine. He wanted to go out and have drinks i told him i would. He and i both seemed to have a great time. He ends up ignoring me again. I kept texting him trying to figure out what was wrong. He kept saying everything was fine and i said ok can we hang out again? He said maybe i was like why? He just kept saying maybe …
our last conversation we had… i said what is wrong ? He said nothing is wrong everything is fine. I asked him why he keeps saying maybe. He said " maybe but i dont want to see you right now" i said why? He saix " im just not feeling it, if i wanted to date i would" i said why did you contact me less then a week ago wanting to go out? He said i didnt.. even though he did. So i said should i just move on or what? He said whatever you want to do. So i said that he was really confusing me and asked him if he had anything more to say before i move on? My messages were turning green so i panicked he blocked me and reacted irrationally. I said " omg did you block me? My messages are not going through. Even texted him on my work phone asking what was up. And called him twice ( please dont judge me i know it is pathetic i never was this type of girl before him) so he replied and said " Ok I'll block you now" then immedietly blocked me. He has never blocked me before since I have met him he will just ghost. Is this ths final discard aka " grand finale? Did i just push him too far?
this has upset me so much its hard to even function.
There are an awful lot of men out there who cluelessly believe it’s the wife’s duty to sexually satisfy them. And I say clueless, because they are unaware of what it takes for a woman to want to go to bed with them. And it’s not about having a hot bod or a dominant attitude.
At the beginning of your relationship, both of you react to the dopamine running through you, and things feel wonderful. The sex is easy, you enjoy being with each other, and the man thinks, “this is great, let’s keep doing this.”
